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Dec. 28th, 2007 | 10:18 pm

Holidays are like lovers, over the years they become dull, depressing, and meaningless, losing the erotic/exciting nature they once held... Let's compare a child, ready to rip open twenty bow-tied gifts, to a young-man, about to rip off his lovers clothes... He wonders what's underneath, what's inside, wishes to engage himself in activity (fuck) with the object as soon as possible and use it it to it's fullest. As one gets older though, the gifts turn to socks and underwear, the lover begins to sag and begs to put off love-making for some other day, which is probably a good thing because the love that you would get would in no way compare to that youthful lust that made you foam at the mouth upon seeing your 'object'.

My siblings and I woke at 6:30. Actually, I got up at 5:30 because I'd slept too much the day before. I watched a remake of a great movie. Needless to say, the remake sucked. I thought of going back to sleep but couldn't, a bit of excitement still runs through my veins. Parents were woken, groggily, and watched as we opened their gifts. I pulled faint smiles after opening each gift, one must always remember that Christmas morning is merely a spectacle, you're to make others happy, fuck yourself.

And that's what my Christmas has been. Fucking myself. No one else really to talk to, it's my own fault, so I don't mind, but I'd much rather be hopping trains across country or living in communes... haha... Even thoughts of Jonestown warms my heart right now. Instead, I find myself in debt, longing to get out of the house, phoning friends who are busy with their own problems.

I'd like to say something like, "And, so, I've made up my mind to travel across America the first-half of 2008", but that would probably come to nothing, and I'd have people nodding their heads, talking amongst themselves, "I knew he wouldn't." If I do however, I will do my best to never come be stuck here again.

Where to go? Everywhere... With what? mmm This is the part that leaves me somewhat speechless and makes me answer with childlike faith, faith and naivete. Aren't they the same thing anyway?

My parents are sick of me. I'm aware of this. A few friends also share the same feelings, I've been a neurotic pain in the ass to them, desperately grabbing and calling them, asking about money and other troubles. I know it's a shit thing to do, but people fuck people and I've been fucked over and have fucked my own share... I believe it's something innate, my biological clock is screaming GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. It's a dead town, though I believe it to be the most beautiful area I've seen, and a young jackass, who doesn't fit in with the lifeworkers, churchgoers, runofthemillstoners, rappers, rednecks, and assholes, either kills their self, chokes to death, or leaves. I've tried one, am undergoing another, and would like to try the other.

Sound like whining? haha... Yeah, somewhat, but there's something else there.


But resolve without action is shit. And I worry that I'll shit mountains and stay in my room, talking about leaving, whining about the past, and hiding from the future.

Fuck this. I'm going to get the hell out.


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Comments {3}


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from: boolinda_ghoul
date: Jan. 1st, 2008 08:39 pm (UTC)

I enjoyed this entry and I don't even know why. I think it lifted my spirits a little..

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from: familiaresolve
date: Jan. 6th, 2008 08:11 pm (UTC)

get out. it isn't as hard as you'd think. that town has nothing to offer anyone who actively searches for a greater life, outside of the ho-hum of work and marriage etc etc

the community isn't young and vibrant and everyone has family all over the damn place and knows everyones business. bleh. maybe i'm just a city dweller at heart but i think it sucks.

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from: levmyshkin
date: Jan. 6th, 2008 10:07 pm (UTC)

Believe me, I have absolutely no intention of staying... I've found many of my friends to be intolerable assholes or complete hypocrites and employment opportunities are next to none. My parents hate me living with them, my siblings find my smoking unbearable, and I've had it with this place anyway.

It's just the part of 'where does one go?'
But that's an excuse to linger and I don't want to... mmm Florida, New York, or Oregon.

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